Not the hands!

Soy yeah... I haven't been here in a bit. My plan was to be here more often, and blog everyday... yeah.. about that. Life sometimes gets in the way, as it has. Let me see where I was... oh yeah, blogging about my father. I guess I really don't have the energy to blog more about him. It takes a lot out of me, and I am just too tired. I will say that I had a dream about him. I can't remember a lot of it, but I know that he was beating someone up. lol I think it's weird that I can only remember that much. I think that he was wasn't sick in my dream, and we actually got along.. that's enough to tell me it was definitely a dream.. .. ... sigh.. yeah.

Lately, I have been really irritable. I was in a lot of pain, and needed to go to the doctor, but still don't have insurance. I found a FNP that a friend goes to see, and she doesn't have insurance, so I trusted her that they wouldn't gouge me. I had just been dealing with the pain I was in by taking Lu's pain meds. I know, I know.. but she had them, and as willing to share, as she gets them refilled often. I finally gave in to the fact the pain wasn't going away.. and I also was a little worried about a lumpish feeling thing i found that was getting bigger. I knew it wasn't breast tissue, as it was below it.. something that i figured I better  break down and go in for.

So I finally went. I saw a FNP, and she was great. She was very nice and the office visit was only $50.  She said that the lumpish thing (lol) wasn't breast tissue ( i knew that.lol) but that it warranted being a little concerned about, so I should get a scan. Uh.. not possible with no insurance, so she sent for the last scans i had done at the ER a few months ago.. still waiting to see if she could tell from them.

I explained to her about the pain in my joints and muscles, and how tired I have been, and the fact that I had not been sleeping almost at all. She said that she wanted to run blood work, and that she was concerned about checking for some major things... I asked her about the possibility of Fibromyalgia and if there is a test for that, and she said that pretty much they decide someone has that by the process of elimination of other tests. LOL, really? nice!  So I asked her what she was testing for. I had already done a little homework about my symptoms and knew the worst case scenarios.. but I tend to think the worst and then am relieved when it doesn't come to that.
She said that she wanted to do an ANA test? Ok.. what's that? She said that tests for autoimmune -tissue diseases/disorders.. something like that.. what that means is she wanted to test for Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Lupus, and other things in that same region that would show up on this kind of test.  Even though I knew that's what my symptoms were leading to, I was still surprised that she was on the same path of thinking that i was.
Ok, let's do the test. $30? For blood work? Deal! Ok.. I can handle that. So I waited for the tests to come back... thinking that once again, all my tests would come back negative and maybe this is really all in my head. I was getting used to not having answers.
It was a long weekend. I finally got a call from her MA on Monday afternoon. She said that my ANA test came back positive. I was confused. What does that mean? She said that at least one of my reflexive (?) tests came back high and that meant it was in that RA, Lupus area,, and I needed to go see a Rheumatologist as soon as I could to find out more. I asked her about the possibility of it still being Fibromyalgia.. and she said that we could prolly rule that out because of these tests.
Deep breath... so now what? I think I just kind of sat there. Dumbfounded. What does this mean?  I got online and researched this ANA test. Not too happy with what I found.
The doc said we are really leaning to one of the two that she had mentioned, but only the Rheumatologist could tell for sure, with more blood work. She put me on an NSAID to help with the inflammation and pain.
So... both of these possibilities are debilitating. Right?
I called Lu, and told her the news.. I think I was still in shock.  I don't know what she was thinking. We talked a little and then ended up arguing about pretty much nothing.
That remained the scene for like 2 days. I was pissed that she was mad at me over something, and I was pissed that I felt she wasn't being there for me, when I was scared..
It turned out that she was scared of what this means for my health, and didn't know how to fix it. She has always tried to take care of me.. even when I ask her not to try to do that. But this time was different, because she said that we both decided that I needed to be home and not work, and now she couldn't send me to a specialist, and she thought she was failing me. We went the rounds about that. I told her that it wasn't her job to take care of me.. still, and that I would deal with this, and we would get through it. I let her know how pissed I was that we were even arguing about anything.. when really, I just needed her support while we sat with this and decided what to do.  Does that make sense?
Anyway.. that's over.. and we are fine.. but the fact still remains that I am about to go through some crap. I mean I have been going through it already.. but the fact remains that both of those diagnoses' are telling me it's going to get worse.  RA can be really rough. My grandpa had that and he was in a  lot of pain that got worse as time went by. THEN.. then.. the pill that he took for his RA gave him Lymphoma.. great.. I know that I wouldn't go through that, because his downfall is my education. Right?

So I can't get in to see the specialist yet. The doc called me in some pain meds to take with the NSAID, and we will wait until things change. I applied for SSI again (last time i let the paper work lapse and they closed the case), and I will check with Medicaid to see if I qualify yet.  I mean what does it take?? I have heart problems, degenerative disc issues, bipolar/depression issues, and now this? Can I get some freaking help? lol

In the meantime, I have noticed some major changes. I am constantly in pain. Every joint in my body aches, and worse than that, my hands just hurt all the time. I can feel the stiffness and how it is affecting my typing, cooking, carrying things. It really sucks. I decided to go to a temp agency to try to get something part-time so I can get insurance, and they made me fill out paperwork, right? The writing was killing my hands.. and then came the typing test.. oh my.. I have never worried about a typing test in my life! That's the one thing I could always do.. be on the pc and type. My hands would not work. I did ok on the test, but I can type over 60wpm, and so for me to feel like I couldn't control my hands, was horrid. I left the office, just feeling.. defeated. I sat there.. and I think that's when it really started to hit me.

My hands? I soo need my hands! lol  I mean really? I use them to do like everything! I cook, clean, type, love, carry, you name it..  I mean.. it's taken me hours to write this blog, as I have to take a break every few, and then when I typing, it's like the keys are foreign to my fingers. It's weird to describe. I think the part that worries me most, is how fast that happened.
Lu bought me some huge heating pads. It helps with my shoulders and knees. but nothing really helps with my hands. Not sure what to do there... 

The two are so similiar, but the thing with Lupus, is it will flare up and then go into remission. RA doesn't go away and only gets worse. Lupus goes away and comes back, however gets worse in the end and cause organ failure. WTH? It's like sixes as what to... not hope for.. but decide between? I don't know..

I just know that I am so tired.. and yet still can't rest. I think I am going to go for now...
I am babysitting our renter's kid and she is three. She takes a lot out of me. Man! 3 year olds can TALK!! lol

Ok.. enough of my mind right now.. I have so much to do.. I am so far behind on everything!

More later???

me.