Soy yeah... I haven't been here in a bit. My plan was to be here more often, and blog everyday... yeah.. about that. Life sometimes gets in the way, as it has. Let me see where I was... oh yeah, blogging about my father. I guess I really don't have the energy to blog more about him. It takes a lot out of me, and I am just too tired. I will say that I had a dream about him. I can't remember a lot of it, but I know that he was beating someone up. lol I think it's weird that I can only remember that much. I think that he was wasn't sick in my dream, and we actually got along.. that's enough to tell me it was definitely a dream.. .. ... sigh.. yeah.
Lately, I have been really irritable. I was in a lot of pain, and needed to go to the doctor, but still don't have insurance. I found a FNP that a friend goes to see, and she doesn't have insurance, so I trusted her that they wouldn't gouge me. I had just been dealing with the pain I was in by taking Lu's pain meds. I know, I know.. but she had them, and as willing to share, as she gets them refilled often. I finally gave in to the fact the pain wasn't going away.. and I also was a little worried about a lumpish feeling thing i found that was getting bigger. I knew it wasn't breast tissue, as it was below it.. something that i figured I better break down and go in for.
So I finally went. I saw a FNP, and she was great. She was very nice and the office visit was only $50. She said that the lumpish thing (lol) wasn't breast tissue ( i knew that.lol) but that it warranted being a little concerned about, so I should get a scan. Uh.. not possible with no insurance, so she sent for the last scans i had done at the ER a few months ago.. still waiting to see if she could tell from them.
I explained to her about the pain in my joints and muscles, and how tired I have been, and the fact that I had not been sleeping almost at all. She said that she wanted to run blood work, and that she was concerned about checking for some major things... I asked her about the possibility of Fibromyalgia and if there is a test for that, and she said that pretty much they decide someone has that by the process of elimination of other tests. LOL, really? nice! So I asked her what she was testing for. I had already done a little homework about my symptoms and knew the worst case scenarios.. but I tend to think the worst and then am relieved when it doesn't come to that.
She said that she wanted to do an ANA test? Ok.. what's that? She said that tests for autoimmune -tissue diseases/disorders.. something like that.. what that means is she wanted to test for Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Lupus, and other things in that same region that would show up on this kind of test. Even though I knew that's what my symptoms were leading to, I was still surprised that she was on the same path of thinking that i was.
Ok, let's do the test. $30? For blood work? Deal! Ok.. I can handle that. So I waited for the tests to come back... thinking that once again, all my tests would come back negative and maybe this is really all in my head. I was getting used to not having answers.
It was a long weekend. I finally got a call from her MA on Monday afternoon. She said that my ANA test came back positive. I was confused. What does that mean? She said that at least one of my reflexive (?) tests came back high and that meant it was in that RA, Lupus area,, and I needed to go see a Rheumatologist as soon as I could to find out more. I asked her about the possibility of it still being Fibromyalgia.. and she said that we could prolly rule that out because of these tests.
Deep breath... so now what? I think I just kind of sat there. Dumbfounded. What does this mean? I got online and researched this ANA test. Not too happy with what I found.
The doc said we are really leaning to one of the two that she had mentioned, but only the Rheumatologist could tell for sure, with more blood work. She put me on an NSAID to help with the inflammation and pain.
So... both of these possibilities are debilitating. Right?
I called Lu, and told her the news.. I think I was still in shock. I don't know what she was thinking. We talked a little and then ended up arguing about pretty much nothing.
That remained the scene for like 2 days. I was pissed that she was mad at me over something, and I was pissed that I felt she wasn't being there for me, when I was scared..
It turned out that she was scared of what this means for my health, and didn't know how to fix it. She has always tried to take care of me.. even when I ask her not to try to do that. But this time was different, because she said that we both decided that I needed to be home and not work, and now she couldn't send me to a specialist, and she thought she was failing me. We went the rounds about that. I told her that it wasn't her job to take care of me.. still, and that I would deal with this, and we would get through it. I let her know how pissed I was that we were even arguing about anything.. when really, I just needed her support while we sat with this and decided what to do. Does that make sense?
Anyway.. that's over.. and we are fine.. but the fact still remains that I am about to go through some crap. I mean I have been going through it already.. but the fact remains that both of those diagnoses' are telling me it's going to get worse. RA can be really rough. My grandpa had that and he was in a lot of pain that got worse as time went by. THEN.. then.. the pill that he took for his RA gave him Lymphoma.. great.. I know that I wouldn't go through that, because his downfall is my education. Right?
So I can't get in to see the specialist yet. The doc called me in some pain meds to take with the NSAID, and we will wait until things change. I applied for SSI again (last time i let the paper work lapse and they closed the case), and I will check with Medicaid to see if I qualify yet. I mean what does it take?? I have heart problems, degenerative disc issues, bipolar/depression issues, and now this? Can I get some freaking help? lol
In the meantime, I have noticed some major changes. I am constantly in pain. Every joint in my body aches, and worse than that, my hands just hurt all the time. I can feel the stiffness and how it is affecting my typing, cooking, carrying things. It really sucks. I decided to go to a temp agency to try to get something part-time so I can get insurance, and they made me fill out paperwork, right? The writing was killing my hands.. and then came the typing test.. oh my.. I have never worried about a typing test in my life! That's the one thing I could always do.. be on the pc and type. My hands would not work. I did ok on the test, but I can type over 60wpm, and so for me to feel like I couldn't control my hands, was horrid. I left the office, just feeling.. defeated. I sat there.. and I think that's when it really started to hit me.
My hands? I soo need my hands! lol I mean really? I use them to do like everything! I cook, clean, type, love, carry, you name it.. I mean.. it's taken me hours to write this blog, as I have to take a break every few, and then when I typing, it's like the keys are foreign to my fingers. It's weird to describe. I think the part that worries me most, is how fast that happened.
Lu bought me some huge heating pads. It helps with my shoulders and knees. but nothing really helps with my hands. Not sure what to do there...
The two are so similiar, but the thing with Lupus, is it will flare up and then go into remission. RA doesn't go away and only gets worse. Lupus goes away and comes back, however gets worse in the end and cause organ failure. WTH? It's like sixes as what to... not hope for.. but decide between? I don't know..
I just know that I am so tired.. and yet still can't rest. I think I am going to go for now...
I am babysitting our renter's kid and she is three. She takes a lot out of me. Man! 3 year olds can TALK!! lol
Ok.. enough of my mind right now.. I have so much to do.. I am so far behind on everything!
More later???
me.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
More about my father...
So like I said earlier.. I wanted to post something that I had posted on FaceBook awhile back about the ordeal that i had when my father died in May 2009. It was heart wrenching to have to deal with his death, and even moreso having to deal with the arrangements, and the crazy family that was making it harder. So much harder. This is one of the reasons I no longer speak to this family. I can only take so much, and as I come to realize what's really important in my life, I let go of the drama, and the people that it entailed. It took me a lot to get here.. I am not happy that I cut people out of my life, but am happier now that I have... lol
I know this note it very long.. but it's just some of what I went through...
They should be in order.. I didn't include the comments that went with them.. but may add them later, as I have great friends!
Let's start with the first one...
"THE PASSING OF MY DAD...
I just want to thank everyone for their concern and emails, text, messages, and calls this weekend.
I was at the park having lunch with the girls yesterday, and I got a call that my dad had died. It was a shock, and I think that I am still in shock. The plans and meetings begin tomorrow, and I just hope that I can hold up long enough to get through it all. I have never had to do this before, and not sure what the week will bring. I will prolly be out of touch for awhile due to the events that are ahead of us. My mom and sis and brother are driving as we speak from Ohio to get here. It's been an interesting 24 hours, as my thoughts are everywhere. I haven't seen his family in years and have no idea what to expect tomorrow, as I meet them by myself, since the others won't get here until later tomorrow night.
Anyway.. who knows what the week will bring, and the week after, and so on. If I break down and disappear from things all together.. you will know that it finally happened, and it hit me. The flood gates will open, and even though I know it's a healing and grieving process, I am not looking forward to it.
Thanks again for all your well wishes and prayers, and everything else!
Steph"
and then....
"-JUST TRYING TO LAY HIM TO REST- "
I know this note it very long.. but it's just some of what I went through...
They should be in order.. I didn't include the comments that went with them.. but may add them later, as I have great friends!
Let's start with the first one...
"THE PASSING OF MY DAD...
I just want to thank everyone for their concern and emails, text, messages, and calls this weekend.
I was at the park having lunch with the girls yesterday, and I got a call that my dad had died. It was a shock, and I think that I am still in shock. The plans and meetings begin tomorrow, and I just hope that I can hold up long enough to get through it all. I have never had to do this before, and not sure what the week will bring. I will prolly be out of touch for awhile due to the events that are ahead of us. My mom and sis and brother are driving as we speak from Ohio to get here. It's been an interesting 24 hours, as my thoughts are everywhere. I haven't seen his family in years and have no idea what to expect tomorrow, as I meet them by myself, since the others won't get here until later tomorrow night.
Anyway.. who knows what the week will bring, and the week after, and so on. If I break down and disappear from things all together.. you will know that it finally happened, and it hit me. The flood gates will open, and even though I know it's a healing and grieving process, I am not looking forward to it.
Thanks again for all your well wishes and prayers, and everything else!
Steph"
and then....
"-JUST TRYING TO LAY HIM TO REST- "
This is kind of long, but I am so pissed, that i just had to vent...
So.. I have been really busy after the passing of my father. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and messages. I have been so stressed out lately, and some people know why, but I just feel like it's time I wrote about it, and share the RIDICULOUS game that is being played at my father's expense.
So I have to tell people that first of all, I have had a hard time with his passing, as I hadn't spoken to him in quite some time. I had to make some decisions to protect my family, and I did that, and have stressed over it for years, but also stayed true to why I couldn't mend my relationship with him at the time. I now am struggling with that decision of course, because it's too late to fix things, and it will be a long road to get through this. I will grieve, and eventually, hopefully, be ok, BUT... apparently all that has to wait because of the VA Hospital's politics, that coincide with the State laws of the Medical Examiner.
We had the meeting last Monday at the Mortuary and decided that my father would be cremated, and then buried with my grandmother. That's something we thought he would want. So... the VFW had also said that because he was a Veteran, that they were honoring him at the graveside service, and would supply a military headstone. Great... dad would have liked that, I guess. It was great of them to honor him.
So at the same meeting, the guy that was helping us said that he would need to get the kid's signature saying that it would be ok to be cremated, and so I signed (waiting for my siblings to drive in). So he also said that the Death Certificate would need to be produced before the cremation but that it should be no problem to get it together by Wed night, and so we could have the viewing that night, then they would proceed, and we would have the graveside service on Thursday, and he would be in the Urn and then buried. Right? No big deal, supposedly... yeah right!
So then he(the mortuary helper guy) said that it would cutting it close to the time frame of the service for getting the certificate, so if it wasn't produced in time, then the urn would be empty, but no one but us would know, and the service would go on, and he would be cremated later, and laid to rest. Well.. I guess we had to be okay with that...
So... anyway... the viewing was Wed and went ok.. was pretty tough. The other kids signed the form for cremation. Then the service on Thursday was ok. The VFW showed up and gave him a gun salute, folded the flag, and gave it to my brother. All the while.. the Death Certificate had "taken longer than they expected" and it should happen later, and they would "take care of it"... this has been my hell since then.
My dad died at home. Alone. My uncle went there, and called the police, who then called the Medical Examiner investigator out. They then took him to the mortuary, and proceeded with their procedure...
The problem now .. is that the ME will not sign the Death Certificate because it was an "Attended Death" meaning that my dad was seen in the VA within the last 30 days! Ok.. I Understand that part. It's the law, right? Ok.. So that leaves his primary care physician to sign it. HOWEVER.. he is refusing because he hadn't seen my dad in 6 months. The doctor that saw him the week preceding his death was a Emergency VA doctor, that "did not know his history, and can not sign anything".
So.. now.. we are in a political war about the bureaucracy of who can/ will sign it. MEANWHILE... my father is STILL "waiting" to be laid to rest. It has been over a week! He is still there. The mortuary is at a stand still with the docs and the ME. It doesn't appear to be going anywhere!
How can this happen??? I called the office of the ME yesterday, after just finally being soo pissed about this. I talked to a investigator who has been working on this, and he said that he cannot BY LAW sign an Attended Death .. certificate. He explained that because he was seen just the week before, that the VA has the responsibility to sign it. So they are fighting back and forth... and nothing is getting done!!
Teresa, form the "Decedent Affairs" department at the VA has been "trying to help get this resolved"! Whatever! She is a wench! I had called her 3 times and finally spoke with everyone ELSE who said that they had to force the doctor to sign it... and that he would be back in the office yesterday, and it would be done! And that I would get a call as SOON as that happens!
TODAY.. I get a call back from this lady.. really rudely telling me that they are handling it. That's it.. I then tell her that's not good enough, and I want to know the status! She says the doctor is now trying once again, to get the ME to sign, and that may happen later! I pretty much told her that I talked to the ME's office and that they CAN'T sign it!
So here we are, stuck! And my father is STILL waiting to be laid to rest. It's really hard to start the grieving process when you are so pissed!
I think i need to call the Senator, since the VA Hospital is still being a DOUCHE, and try to get this resolved, because it's a Government Entity...
I am open to suggestions, and I know this has been extremely long.. but this has been my days... long hold times, no call backs, no answers, and each department blaming the other..."
So.. I have been really busy after the passing of my father. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and messages. I have been so stressed out lately, and some people know why, but I just feel like it's time I wrote about it, and share the RIDICULOUS game that is being played at my father's expense.
So I have to tell people that first of all, I have had a hard time with his passing, as I hadn't spoken to him in quite some time. I had to make some decisions to protect my family, and I did that, and have stressed over it for years, but also stayed true to why I couldn't mend my relationship with him at the time. I now am struggling with that decision of course, because it's too late to fix things, and it will be a long road to get through this. I will grieve, and eventually, hopefully, be ok, BUT... apparently all that has to wait because of the VA Hospital's politics, that coincide with the State laws of the Medical Examiner.
We had the meeting last Monday at the Mortuary and decided that my father would be cremated, and then buried with my grandmother. That's something we thought he would want. So... the VFW had also said that because he was a Veteran, that they were honoring him at the graveside service, and would supply a military headstone. Great... dad would have liked that, I guess. It was great of them to honor him.
So at the same meeting, the guy that was helping us said that he would need to get the kid's signature saying that it would be ok to be cremated, and so I signed (waiting for my siblings to drive in). So he also said that the Death Certificate would need to be produced before the cremation but that it should be no problem to get it together by Wed night, and so we could have the viewing that night, then they would proceed, and we would have the graveside service on Thursday, and he would be in the Urn and then buried. Right? No big deal, supposedly... yeah right!
So then he(the mortuary helper guy) said that it would cutting it close to the time frame of the service for getting the certificate, so if it wasn't produced in time, then the urn would be empty, but no one but us would know, and the service would go on, and he would be cremated later, and laid to rest. Well.. I guess we had to be okay with that...
So... anyway... the viewing was Wed and went ok.. was pretty tough. The other kids signed the form for cremation. Then the service on Thursday was ok. The VFW showed up and gave him a gun salute, folded the flag, and gave it to my brother. All the while.. the Death Certificate had "taken longer than they expected" and it should happen later, and they would "take care of it"... this has been my hell since then.
My dad died at home. Alone. My uncle went there, and called the police, who then called the Medical Examiner investigator out. They then took him to the mortuary, and proceeded with their procedure...
The problem now .. is that the ME will not sign the Death Certificate because it was an "Attended Death" meaning that my dad was seen in the VA within the last 30 days! Ok.. I Understand that part. It's the law, right? Ok.. So that leaves his primary care physician to sign it. HOWEVER.. he is refusing because he hadn't seen my dad in 6 months. The doctor that saw him the week preceding his death was a Emergency VA doctor, that "did not know his history, and can not sign anything".
So.. now.. we are in a political war about the bureaucracy of who can/ will sign it. MEANWHILE... my father is STILL "waiting" to be laid to rest. It has been over a week! He is still there. The mortuary is at a stand still with the docs and the ME. It doesn't appear to be going anywhere!
How can this happen??? I called the office of the ME yesterday, after just finally being soo pissed about this. I talked to a investigator who has been working on this, and he said that he cannot BY LAW sign an Attended Death .. certificate. He explained that because he was seen just the week before, that the VA has the responsibility to sign it. So they are fighting back and forth... and nothing is getting done!!
Teresa, form the "Decedent Affairs" department at the VA has been "trying to help get this resolved"! Whatever! She is a wench! I had called her 3 times and finally spoke with everyone ELSE who said that they had to force the doctor to sign it... and that he would be back in the office yesterday, and it would be done! And that I would get a call as SOON as that happens!
TODAY.. I get a call back from this lady.. really rudely telling me that they are handling it. That's it.. I then tell her that's not good enough, and I want to know the status! She says the doctor is now trying once again, to get the ME to sign, and that may happen later! I pretty much told her that I talked to the ME's office and that they CAN'T sign it!
So here we are, stuck! And my father is STILL waiting to be laid to rest. It's really hard to start the grieving process when you are so pissed!
I think i need to call the Senator, since the VA Hospital is still being a DOUCHE, and try to get this resolved, because it's a Government Entity...
I am open to suggestions, and I know this has been extremely long.. but this has been my days... long hold times, no call backs, no answers, and each department blaming the other..."
**UPDATE as of may 22, 2009:
so... today's the day... FINALLY my father will be laid to rest. I talked to them, and everything is done, and he will be placed with my grandma today... whew.. now maybe i can get through this. Thanks everyone! We had to get the House of Reps involved in order for this to get accomplished... the things Politicians have to get involved in!"
So there you have it. While all of this was happening, I had to deal with family from hell. They seriously are out of their minds! I can't believe they way people flip out when it comes to death. Like koo-koo for cocoa puffs!
I will have to go into that another time..
Back to basics...
It's been quite awhile since I have been here. I miss it. I really find blogging to be therapy. I just tend to avoid it most times. I am not sure why. Sometimes I think.. oh.. who has the time to sit down and write? I do! lol
Then I think.. oh.. I feel most like blogging at night, while the others sleep, but then it would wake Lu. lol
Anyway. I am here now, trying to catch up. I am really going to try to make it a daily thing. Not a New Year's Resolution, per se.. Just more of an effort.
I have been thinking back over this year. Man, what a crazy time. I had this new hope for the new year. I thought that I would be so happy for the year to be over. I had such loss this past year. I guess I thought that it would magically disappear. Happy times to be had. Woohoo! lol Uh.. what I realized this past week, is it's just another day that passes. Things don't change just because the year has. I have to be the one to change them. I am trying, though, to get past this past year.
I keep telling myself that the decisions I have made are better. Lu tells me they are. I have disconnected from family, friends, and more negatives in my life. It was hard. I wait for it to be easier. Living without things that have been present for so many decades. They have been replaced, somewhat.. in different ways. Some good, some bad.
The one thing I have noticed about this last year, is how tired I have become. I only wish I knew if it was because of the physical health challenges I have been facing, or the release of the past that is now catching up with me and just wearing me out. Either way, I am beat. I feel guilty that I am so tired. I hate it. I really wanted to take advantage of the time that I gained from not working outside of the house. I am finding though, that I am getting less done now, than before. I am still not sure if it's because of my health, or laziness.. maybe both.I am yawning as I type this. LOL Oh my...
I want to share some of the loss I have had this past year. One of the most significant was my father. I didn't know him. I mean.. I knew him as a different person, I guess. That's what my mother says. She says that I never got to know the father that she knew before I was born. He was apparently a different person. I have to believe that is true. I have to believe that the life he led before I was born, led him to where he ended up. Where we all ended up.
There is a song by Pink that reminds me of my dad. It's called " I have seen the rain". It was written by her father, and she sings it with him on her "I'm not dead" cd. The lyrics are posted below. This song has a strong place in my heart, as I have to think that my dad would have been a different person, had he not been in Vietnam. I think that's the time my mom spoke of. I really don't know, but I hope. I hope that he had a chance to be happy.. I have only seen him truly happy once in my life, and it was short-lived. I love him, there is no doubt of that in my head. I am just sorry I never got the chance to meet the man he was before whatever hit him, happened. I want to post more about him, but I need a break. It's very hard. When I come back, I will post a note on FaceBook that I posted after he died. It's pretty long, and very...um... sad, I guess."
Anway.. I am back to basics with writing.. and look forward to the release that it brings.
Here are the lyrics to the song that remains with me everytime I think of my father. Love you dad.
Pink" I have seen the Rain"
Then I think.. oh.. I feel most like blogging at night, while the others sleep, but then it would wake Lu. lol
Anyway. I am here now, trying to catch up. I am really going to try to make it a daily thing. Not a New Year's Resolution, per se.. Just more of an effort.
I have been thinking back over this year. Man, what a crazy time. I had this new hope for the new year. I thought that I would be so happy for the year to be over. I had such loss this past year. I guess I thought that it would magically disappear. Happy times to be had. Woohoo! lol Uh.. what I realized this past week, is it's just another day that passes. Things don't change just because the year has. I have to be the one to change them. I am trying, though, to get past this past year.
I keep telling myself that the decisions I have made are better. Lu tells me they are. I have disconnected from family, friends, and more negatives in my life. It was hard. I wait for it to be easier. Living without things that have been present for so many decades. They have been replaced, somewhat.. in different ways. Some good, some bad.
The one thing I have noticed about this last year, is how tired I have become. I only wish I knew if it was because of the physical health challenges I have been facing, or the release of the past that is now catching up with me and just wearing me out. Either way, I am beat. I feel guilty that I am so tired. I hate it. I really wanted to take advantage of the time that I gained from not working outside of the house. I am finding though, that I am getting less done now, than before. I am still not sure if it's because of my health, or laziness.. maybe both.I am yawning as I type this. LOL Oh my...
I want to share some of the loss I have had this past year. One of the most significant was my father. I didn't know him. I mean.. I knew him as a different person, I guess. That's what my mother says. She says that I never got to know the father that she knew before I was born. He was apparently a different person. I have to believe that is true. I have to believe that the life he led before I was born, led him to where he ended up. Where we all ended up.
There is a song by Pink that reminds me of my dad. It's called " I have seen the rain". It was written by her father, and she sings it with him on her "I'm not dead" cd. The lyrics are posted below. This song has a strong place in my heart, as I have to think that my dad would have been a different person, had he not been in Vietnam. I think that's the time my mom spoke of. I really don't know, but I hope. I hope that he had a chance to be happy.. I have only seen him truly happy once in my life, and it was short-lived. I love him, there is no doubt of that in my head. I am just sorry I never got the chance to meet the man he was before whatever hit him, happened. I want to post more about him, but I need a break. It's very hard. When I come back, I will post a note on FaceBook that I posted after he died. It's pretty long, and very...um... sad, I guess."
Anway.. I am back to basics with writing.. and look forward to the release that it brings.
Here are the lyrics to the song that remains with me everytime I think of my father. Love you dad.
Pink" I have seen the Rain"
"I have seen the rain I have felt the pain I don't know where I'll be tomorrow I don't know where I'm going I don't even know where I've been But I know I'd like to see them again Spend my days just searching Spend my nights in dreams Stop looking over my shoulder, baby, I stopped wondering what it means. Drop out, burn out, soldier whore Oh they said I should've been more Probably so if I hadn't been in that crazy damn Vietnam war I have seen the rain I survived the pain Oh I've been home 30 years or so And I'm just stepping off of the plane Spend my days in searching Spend my nights in dreams Stop looking over my shoulder, baby, I stopped wondering what it means. Drop out, burn out, soldier whore Oh they said I should've been more Probably so if I hadn't been in that crazy damn Vietnam war We have seen the rain together We survived the pain forever Oh it's good to be home again It's good to be with my friends Oh it's good to be home again It's good to feel the rain"
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