Soy yeah... I haven't been here in a bit. My plan was to be here more often, and blog everyday... yeah.. about that. Life sometimes gets in the way, as it has. Let me see where I was... oh yeah, blogging about my father. I guess I really don't have the energy to blog more about him. It takes a lot out of me, and I am just too tired. I will say that I had a dream about him. I can't remember a lot of it, but I know that he was beating someone up. lol I think it's weird that I can only remember that much. I think that he was wasn't sick in my dream, and we actually got along.. that's enough to tell me it was definitely a dream.. .. ... sigh.. yeah.
Lately, I have been really irritable. I was in a lot of pain, and needed to go to the doctor, but still don't have insurance. I found a FNP that a friend goes to see, and she doesn't have insurance, so I trusted her that they wouldn't gouge me. I had just been dealing with the pain I was in by taking Lu's pain meds. I know, I know.. but she had them, and as willing to share, as she gets them refilled often. I finally gave in to the fact the pain wasn't going away.. and I also was a little worried about a lumpish feeling thing i found that was getting bigger. I knew it wasn't breast tissue, as it was below it.. something that i figured I better break down and go in for.
So I finally went. I saw a FNP, and she was great. She was very nice and the office visit was only $50. She said that the lumpish thing (lol) wasn't breast tissue ( i knew that.lol) but that it warranted being a little concerned about, so I should get a scan. Uh.. not possible with no insurance, so she sent for the last scans i had done at the ER a few months ago.. still waiting to see if she could tell from them.
I explained to her about the pain in my joints and muscles, and how tired I have been, and the fact that I had not been sleeping almost at all. She said that she wanted to run blood work, and that she was concerned about checking for some major things... I asked her about the possibility of Fibromyalgia and if there is a test for that, and she said that pretty much they decide someone has that by the process of elimination of other tests. LOL, really? nice! So I asked her what she was testing for. I had already done a little homework about my symptoms and knew the worst case scenarios.. but I tend to think the worst and then am relieved when it doesn't come to that.
She said that she wanted to do an ANA test? Ok.. what's that? She said that tests for autoimmune -tissue diseases/disorders.. something like that.. what that means is she wanted to test for Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Lupus, and other things in that same region that would show up on this kind of test. Even though I knew that's what my symptoms were leading to, I was still surprised that she was on the same path of thinking that i was.
Ok, let's do the test. $30? For blood work? Deal! Ok.. I can handle that. So I waited for the tests to come back... thinking that once again, all my tests would come back negative and maybe this is really all in my head. I was getting used to not having answers.
It was a long weekend. I finally got a call from her MA on Monday afternoon. She said that my ANA test came back positive. I was confused. What does that mean? She said that at least one of my reflexive (?) tests came back high and that meant it was in that RA, Lupus area,, and I needed to go see a Rheumatologist as soon as I could to find out more. I asked her about the possibility of it still being Fibromyalgia.. and she said that we could prolly rule that out because of these tests.
Deep breath... so now what? I think I just kind of sat there. Dumbfounded. What does this mean? I got online and researched this ANA test. Not too happy with what I found.
The doc said we are really leaning to one of the two that she had mentioned, but only the Rheumatologist could tell for sure, with more blood work. She put me on an NSAID to help with the inflammation and pain.
So... both of these possibilities are debilitating. Right?
I called Lu, and told her the news.. I think I was still in shock. I don't know what she was thinking. We talked a little and then ended up arguing about pretty much nothing.
That remained the scene for like 2 days. I was pissed that she was mad at me over something, and I was pissed that I felt she wasn't being there for me, when I was scared..
It turned out that she was scared of what this means for my health, and didn't know how to fix it. She has always tried to take care of me.. even when I ask her not to try to do that. But this time was different, because she said that we both decided that I needed to be home and not work, and now she couldn't send me to a specialist, and she thought she was failing me. We went the rounds about that. I told her that it wasn't her job to take care of me.. still, and that I would deal with this, and we would get through it. I let her know how pissed I was that we were even arguing about anything.. when really, I just needed her support while we sat with this and decided what to do. Does that make sense?
Anyway.. that's over.. and we are fine.. but the fact still remains that I am about to go through some crap. I mean I have been going through it already.. but the fact remains that both of those diagnoses' are telling me it's going to get worse. RA can be really rough. My grandpa had that and he was in a lot of pain that got worse as time went by. THEN.. then.. the pill that he took for his RA gave him Lymphoma.. great.. I know that I wouldn't go through that, because his downfall is my education. Right?
So I can't get in to see the specialist yet. The doc called me in some pain meds to take with the NSAID, and we will wait until things change. I applied for SSI again (last time i let the paper work lapse and they closed the case), and I will check with Medicaid to see if I qualify yet. I mean what does it take?? I have heart problems, degenerative disc issues, bipolar/depression issues, and now this? Can I get some freaking help? lol
In the meantime, I have noticed some major changes. I am constantly in pain. Every joint in my body aches, and worse than that, my hands just hurt all the time. I can feel the stiffness and how it is affecting my typing, cooking, carrying things. It really sucks. I decided to go to a temp agency to try to get something part-time so I can get insurance, and they made me fill out paperwork, right? The writing was killing my hands.. and then came the typing test.. oh my.. I have never worried about a typing test in my life! That's the one thing I could always do.. be on the pc and type. My hands would not work. I did ok on the test, but I can type over 60wpm, and so for me to feel like I couldn't control my hands, was horrid. I left the office, just feeling.. defeated. I sat there.. and I think that's when it really started to hit me.
My hands? I soo need my hands! lol I mean really? I use them to do like everything! I cook, clean, type, love, carry, you name it.. I mean.. it's taken me hours to write this blog, as I have to take a break every few, and then when I typing, it's like the keys are foreign to my fingers. It's weird to describe. I think the part that worries me most, is how fast that happened.
Lu bought me some huge heating pads. It helps with my shoulders and knees. but nothing really helps with my hands. Not sure what to do there...
The two are so similiar, but the thing with Lupus, is it will flare up and then go into remission. RA doesn't go away and only gets worse. Lupus goes away and comes back, however gets worse in the end and cause organ failure. WTH? It's like sixes as what to... not hope for.. but decide between? I don't know..
I just know that I am so tired.. and yet still can't rest. I think I am going to go for now...
I am babysitting our renter's kid and she is three. She takes a lot out of me. Man! 3 year olds can TALK!! lol
Ok.. enough of my mind right now.. I have so much to do.. I am so far behind on everything!
More later???
me.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
More about my father...
So like I said earlier.. I wanted to post something that I had posted on FaceBook awhile back about the ordeal that i had when my father died in May 2009. It was heart wrenching to have to deal with his death, and even moreso having to deal with the arrangements, and the crazy family that was making it harder. So much harder. This is one of the reasons I no longer speak to this family. I can only take so much, and as I come to realize what's really important in my life, I let go of the drama, and the people that it entailed. It took me a lot to get here.. I am not happy that I cut people out of my life, but am happier now that I have... lol
I know this note it very long.. but it's just some of what I went through...
They should be in order.. I didn't include the comments that went with them.. but may add them later, as I have great friends!
Let's start with the first one...
"THE PASSING OF MY DAD...
I just want to thank everyone for their concern and emails, text, messages, and calls this weekend.
I was at the park having lunch with the girls yesterday, and I got a call that my dad had died. It was a shock, and I think that I am still in shock. The plans and meetings begin tomorrow, and I just hope that I can hold up long enough to get through it all. I have never had to do this before, and not sure what the week will bring. I will prolly be out of touch for awhile due to the events that are ahead of us. My mom and sis and brother are driving as we speak from Ohio to get here. It's been an interesting 24 hours, as my thoughts are everywhere. I haven't seen his family in years and have no idea what to expect tomorrow, as I meet them by myself, since the others won't get here until later tomorrow night.
Anyway.. who knows what the week will bring, and the week after, and so on. If I break down and disappear from things all together.. you will know that it finally happened, and it hit me. The flood gates will open, and even though I know it's a healing and grieving process, I am not looking forward to it.
Thanks again for all your well wishes and prayers, and everything else!
Steph"
and then....
"-JUST TRYING TO LAY HIM TO REST- "
I know this note it very long.. but it's just some of what I went through...
They should be in order.. I didn't include the comments that went with them.. but may add them later, as I have great friends!
Let's start with the first one...
"THE PASSING OF MY DAD...
I just want to thank everyone for their concern and emails, text, messages, and calls this weekend.
I was at the park having lunch with the girls yesterday, and I got a call that my dad had died. It was a shock, and I think that I am still in shock. The plans and meetings begin tomorrow, and I just hope that I can hold up long enough to get through it all. I have never had to do this before, and not sure what the week will bring. I will prolly be out of touch for awhile due to the events that are ahead of us. My mom and sis and brother are driving as we speak from Ohio to get here. It's been an interesting 24 hours, as my thoughts are everywhere. I haven't seen his family in years and have no idea what to expect tomorrow, as I meet them by myself, since the others won't get here until later tomorrow night.
Anyway.. who knows what the week will bring, and the week after, and so on. If I break down and disappear from things all together.. you will know that it finally happened, and it hit me. The flood gates will open, and even though I know it's a healing and grieving process, I am not looking forward to it.
Thanks again for all your well wishes and prayers, and everything else!
Steph"
and then....
"-JUST TRYING TO LAY HIM TO REST- "
This is kind of long, but I am so pissed, that i just had to vent...
So.. I have been really busy after the passing of my father. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and messages. I have been so stressed out lately, and some people know why, but I just feel like it's time I wrote about it, and share the RIDICULOUS game that is being played at my father's expense.
So I have to tell people that first of all, I have had a hard time with his passing, as I hadn't spoken to him in quite some time. I had to make some decisions to protect my family, and I did that, and have stressed over it for years, but also stayed true to why I couldn't mend my relationship with him at the time. I now am struggling with that decision of course, because it's too late to fix things, and it will be a long road to get through this. I will grieve, and eventually, hopefully, be ok, BUT... apparently all that has to wait because of the VA Hospital's politics, that coincide with the State laws of the Medical Examiner.
We had the meeting last Monday at the Mortuary and decided that my father would be cremated, and then buried with my grandmother. That's something we thought he would want. So... the VFW had also said that because he was a Veteran, that they were honoring him at the graveside service, and would supply a military headstone. Great... dad would have liked that, I guess. It was great of them to honor him.
So at the same meeting, the guy that was helping us said that he would need to get the kid's signature saying that it would be ok to be cremated, and so I signed (waiting for my siblings to drive in). So he also said that the Death Certificate would need to be produced before the cremation but that it should be no problem to get it together by Wed night, and so we could have the viewing that night, then they would proceed, and we would have the graveside service on Thursday, and he would be in the Urn and then buried. Right? No big deal, supposedly... yeah right!
So then he(the mortuary helper guy) said that it would cutting it close to the time frame of the service for getting the certificate, so if it wasn't produced in time, then the urn would be empty, but no one but us would know, and the service would go on, and he would be cremated later, and laid to rest. Well.. I guess we had to be okay with that...
So... anyway... the viewing was Wed and went ok.. was pretty tough. The other kids signed the form for cremation. Then the service on Thursday was ok. The VFW showed up and gave him a gun salute, folded the flag, and gave it to my brother. All the while.. the Death Certificate had "taken longer than they expected" and it should happen later, and they would "take care of it"... this has been my hell since then.
My dad died at home. Alone. My uncle went there, and called the police, who then called the Medical Examiner investigator out. They then took him to the mortuary, and proceeded with their procedure...
The problem now .. is that the ME will not sign the Death Certificate because it was an "Attended Death" meaning that my dad was seen in the VA within the last 30 days! Ok.. I Understand that part. It's the law, right? Ok.. So that leaves his primary care physician to sign it. HOWEVER.. he is refusing because he hadn't seen my dad in 6 months. The doctor that saw him the week preceding his death was a Emergency VA doctor, that "did not know his history, and can not sign anything".
So.. now.. we are in a political war about the bureaucracy of who can/ will sign it. MEANWHILE... my father is STILL "waiting" to be laid to rest. It has been over a week! He is still there. The mortuary is at a stand still with the docs and the ME. It doesn't appear to be going anywhere!
How can this happen??? I called the office of the ME yesterday, after just finally being soo pissed about this. I talked to a investigator who has been working on this, and he said that he cannot BY LAW sign an Attended Death .. certificate. He explained that because he was seen just the week before, that the VA has the responsibility to sign it. So they are fighting back and forth... and nothing is getting done!!
Teresa, form the "Decedent Affairs" department at the VA has been "trying to help get this resolved"! Whatever! She is a wench! I had called her 3 times and finally spoke with everyone ELSE who said that they had to force the doctor to sign it... and that he would be back in the office yesterday, and it would be done! And that I would get a call as SOON as that happens!
TODAY.. I get a call back from this lady.. really rudely telling me that they are handling it. That's it.. I then tell her that's not good enough, and I want to know the status! She says the doctor is now trying once again, to get the ME to sign, and that may happen later! I pretty much told her that I talked to the ME's office and that they CAN'T sign it!
So here we are, stuck! And my father is STILL waiting to be laid to rest. It's really hard to start the grieving process when you are so pissed!
I think i need to call the Senator, since the VA Hospital is still being a DOUCHE, and try to get this resolved, because it's a Government Entity...
I am open to suggestions, and I know this has been extremely long.. but this has been my days... long hold times, no call backs, no answers, and each department blaming the other..."
So.. I have been really busy after the passing of my father. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and messages. I have been so stressed out lately, and some people know why, but I just feel like it's time I wrote about it, and share the RIDICULOUS game that is being played at my father's expense.
So I have to tell people that first of all, I have had a hard time with his passing, as I hadn't spoken to him in quite some time. I had to make some decisions to protect my family, and I did that, and have stressed over it for years, but also stayed true to why I couldn't mend my relationship with him at the time. I now am struggling with that decision of course, because it's too late to fix things, and it will be a long road to get through this. I will grieve, and eventually, hopefully, be ok, BUT... apparently all that has to wait because of the VA Hospital's politics, that coincide with the State laws of the Medical Examiner.
We had the meeting last Monday at the Mortuary and decided that my father would be cremated, and then buried with my grandmother. That's something we thought he would want. So... the VFW had also said that because he was a Veteran, that they were honoring him at the graveside service, and would supply a military headstone. Great... dad would have liked that, I guess. It was great of them to honor him.
So at the same meeting, the guy that was helping us said that he would need to get the kid's signature saying that it would be ok to be cremated, and so I signed (waiting for my siblings to drive in). So he also said that the Death Certificate would need to be produced before the cremation but that it should be no problem to get it together by Wed night, and so we could have the viewing that night, then they would proceed, and we would have the graveside service on Thursday, and he would be in the Urn and then buried. Right? No big deal, supposedly... yeah right!
So then he(the mortuary helper guy) said that it would cutting it close to the time frame of the service for getting the certificate, so if it wasn't produced in time, then the urn would be empty, but no one but us would know, and the service would go on, and he would be cremated later, and laid to rest. Well.. I guess we had to be okay with that...
So... anyway... the viewing was Wed and went ok.. was pretty tough. The other kids signed the form for cremation. Then the service on Thursday was ok. The VFW showed up and gave him a gun salute, folded the flag, and gave it to my brother. All the while.. the Death Certificate had "taken longer than they expected" and it should happen later, and they would "take care of it"... this has been my hell since then.
My dad died at home. Alone. My uncle went there, and called the police, who then called the Medical Examiner investigator out. They then took him to the mortuary, and proceeded with their procedure...
The problem now .. is that the ME will not sign the Death Certificate because it was an "Attended Death" meaning that my dad was seen in the VA within the last 30 days! Ok.. I Understand that part. It's the law, right? Ok.. So that leaves his primary care physician to sign it. HOWEVER.. he is refusing because he hadn't seen my dad in 6 months. The doctor that saw him the week preceding his death was a Emergency VA doctor, that "did not know his history, and can not sign anything".
So.. now.. we are in a political war about the bureaucracy of who can/ will sign it. MEANWHILE... my father is STILL "waiting" to be laid to rest. It has been over a week! He is still there. The mortuary is at a stand still with the docs and the ME. It doesn't appear to be going anywhere!
How can this happen??? I called the office of the ME yesterday, after just finally being soo pissed about this. I talked to a investigator who has been working on this, and he said that he cannot BY LAW sign an Attended Death .. certificate. He explained that because he was seen just the week before, that the VA has the responsibility to sign it. So they are fighting back and forth... and nothing is getting done!!
Teresa, form the "Decedent Affairs" department at the VA has been "trying to help get this resolved"! Whatever! She is a wench! I had called her 3 times and finally spoke with everyone ELSE who said that they had to force the doctor to sign it... and that he would be back in the office yesterday, and it would be done! And that I would get a call as SOON as that happens!
TODAY.. I get a call back from this lady.. really rudely telling me that they are handling it. That's it.. I then tell her that's not good enough, and I want to know the status! She says the doctor is now trying once again, to get the ME to sign, and that may happen later! I pretty much told her that I talked to the ME's office and that they CAN'T sign it!
So here we are, stuck! And my father is STILL waiting to be laid to rest. It's really hard to start the grieving process when you are so pissed!
I think i need to call the Senator, since the VA Hospital is still being a DOUCHE, and try to get this resolved, because it's a Government Entity...
I am open to suggestions, and I know this has been extremely long.. but this has been my days... long hold times, no call backs, no answers, and each department blaming the other..."
**UPDATE as of may 22, 2009:
so... today's the day... FINALLY my father will be laid to rest. I talked to them, and everything is done, and he will be placed with my grandma today... whew.. now maybe i can get through this. Thanks everyone! We had to get the House of Reps involved in order for this to get accomplished... the things Politicians have to get involved in!"
So there you have it. While all of this was happening, I had to deal with family from hell. They seriously are out of their minds! I can't believe they way people flip out when it comes to death. Like koo-koo for cocoa puffs!
I will have to go into that another time..
Back to basics...
It's been quite awhile since I have been here. I miss it. I really find blogging to be therapy. I just tend to avoid it most times. I am not sure why. Sometimes I think.. oh.. who has the time to sit down and write? I do! lol
Then I think.. oh.. I feel most like blogging at night, while the others sleep, but then it would wake Lu. lol
Anyway. I am here now, trying to catch up. I am really going to try to make it a daily thing. Not a New Year's Resolution, per se.. Just more of an effort.
I have been thinking back over this year. Man, what a crazy time. I had this new hope for the new year. I thought that I would be so happy for the year to be over. I had such loss this past year. I guess I thought that it would magically disappear. Happy times to be had. Woohoo! lol Uh.. what I realized this past week, is it's just another day that passes. Things don't change just because the year has. I have to be the one to change them. I am trying, though, to get past this past year.
I keep telling myself that the decisions I have made are better. Lu tells me they are. I have disconnected from family, friends, and more negatives in my life. It was hard. I wait for it to be easier. Living without things that have been present for so many decades. They have been replaced, somewhat.. in different ways. Some good, some bad.
The one thing I have noticed about this last year, is how tired I have become. I only wish I knew if it was because of the physical health challenges I have been facing, or the release of the past that is now catching up with me and just wearing me out. Either way, I am beat. I feel guilty that I am so tired. I hate it. I really wanted to take advantage of the time that I gained from not working outside of the house. I am finding though, that I am getting less done now, than before. I am still not sure if it's because of my health, or laziness.. maybe both.I am yawning as I type this. LOL Oh my...
I want to share some of the loss I have had this past year. One of the most significant was my father. I didn't know him. I mean.. I knew him as a different person, I guess. That's what my mother says. She says that I never got to know the father that she knew before I was born. He was apparently a different person. I have to believe that is true. I have to believe that the life he led before I was born, led him to where he ended up. Where we all ended up.
There is a song by Pink that reminds me of my dad. It's called " I have seen the rain". It was written by her father, and she sings it with him on her "I'm not dead" cd. The lyrics are posted below. This song has a strong place in my heart, as I have to think that my dad would have been a different person, had he not been in Vietnam. I think that's the time my mom spoke of. I really don't know, but I hope. I hope that he had a chance to be happy.. I have only seen him truly happy once in my life, and it was short-lived. I love him, there is no doubt of that in my head. I am just sorry I never got the chance to meet the man he was before whatever hit him, happened. I want to post more about him, but I need a break. It's very hard. When I come back, I will post a note on FaceBook that I posted after he died. It's pretty long, and very...um... sad, I guess."
Anway.. I am back to basics with writing.. and look forward to the release that it brings.
Here are the lyrics to the song that remains with me everytime I think of my father. Love you dad.
Pink" I have seen the Rain"
Then I think.. oh.. I feel most like blogging at night, while the others sleep, but then it would wake Lu. lol
Anyway. I am here now, trying to catch up. I am really going to try to make it a daily thing. Not a New Year's Resolution, per se.. Just more of an effort.
I have been thinking back over this year. Man, what a crazy time. I had this new hope for the new year. I thought that I would be so happy for the year to be over. I had such loss this past year. I guess I thought that it would magically disappear. Happy times to be had. Woohoo! lol Uh.. what I realized this past week, is it's just another day that passes. Things don't change just because the year has. I have to be the one to change them. I am trying, though, to get past this past year.
I keep telling myself that the decisions I have made are better. Lu tells me they are. I have disconnected from family, friends, and more negatives in my life. It was hard. I wait for it to be easier. Living without things that have been present for so many decades. They have been replaced, somewhat.. in different ways. Some good, some bad.
The one thing I have noticed about this last year, is how tired I have become. I only wish I knew if it was because of the physical health challenges I have been facing, or the release of the past that is now catching up with me and just wearing me out. Either way, I am beat. I feel guilty that I am so tired. I hate it. I really wanted to take advantage of the time that I gained from not working outside of the house. I am finding though, that I am getting less done now, than before. I am still not sure if it's because of my health, or laziness.. maybe both.I am yawning as I type this. LOL Oh my...
I want to share some of the loss I have had this past year. One of the most significant was my father. I didn't know him. I mean.. I knew him as a different person, I guess. That's what my mother says. She says that I never got to know the father that she knew before I was born. He was apparently a different person. I have to believe that is true. I have to believe that the life he led before I was born, led him to where he ended up. Where we all ended up.
There is a song by Pink that reminds me of my dad. It's called " I have seen the rain". It was written by her father, and she sings it with him on her "I'm not dead" cd. The lyrics are posted below. This song has a strong place in my heart, as I have to think that my dad would have been a different person, had he not been in Vietnam. I think that's the time my mom spoke of. I really don't know, but I hope. I hope that he had a chance to be happy.. I have only seen him truly happy once in my life, and it was short-lived. I love him, there is no doubt of that in my head. I am just sorry I never got the chance to meet the man he was before whatever hit him, happened. I want to post more about him, but I need a break. It's very hard. When I come back, I will post a note on FaceBook that I posted after he died. It's pretty long, and very...um... sad, I guess."
Anway.. I am back to basics with writing.. and look forward to the release that it brings.
Here are the lyrics to the song that remains with me everytime I think of my father. Love you dad.
Pink" I have seen the Rain"
"I have seen the rain I have felt the pain I don't know where I'll be tomorrow I don't know where I'm going I don't even know where I've been But I know I'd like to see them again Spend my days just searching Spend my nights in dreams Stop looking over my shoulder, baby, I stopped wondering what it means. Drop out, burn out, soldier whore Oh they said I should've been more Probably so if I hadn't been in that crazy damn Vietnam war I have seen the rain I survived the pain Oh I've been home 30 years or so And I'm just stepping off of the plane Spend my days in searching Spend my nights in dreams Stop looking over my shoulder, baby, I stopped wondering what it means. Drop out, burn out, soldier whore Oh they said I should've been more Probably so if I hadn't been in that crazy damn Vietnam war We have seen the rain together We survived the pain forever Oh it's good to be home again It's good to be with my friends Oh it's good to be home again It's good to feel the rain"
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Wow.. long time, no posts!
Soy... yeah.. been awhile. Wait.. hold that thought. Need to refill my coffee. Where IS my coffee? Hmmm. Ok found it. A lot has changed since I have been here. I am a stay-at-home mom now (so to speak). I was having a lot of problems with the meds they put me on to control some health stuff going on. They were making me so tired, that I was not functioning very well. I started missing some days, and then when I WAS there, I was not very productive. They didn't have a part time position, so I ended up quitting.
I like staying home, but it's tough. Lu is our major income. I am still doing my side business, but it's not really getting us very far. I guess I have kind of given up on it, and so I just occasionally have appointments. My back problems are pretty much standard these days, but I tend to push the envelope. I am supposed to take it easy, but when I am having a good day, I like to get things accomplished. I end up paying afterwards, and for a long time, but at least something came from it. lol The heart issues are a little different. I get so tired, so easy. So when I am out being overly productive, I pay for both the next few days. I end up just sleeping like all freaking day.
The main thing.. is the guilt I feel for being so tired, or hurting all the time. It's really not fair for the girls. It affects my life daily. I think I am going to find a part time job, when school starts up again. I need to do something. I have an echo coming up, and if it's fine, then I can try to get back into some routine.
We have been so busy. Jess' swim meets are kicking our butts. Lately it seems that she has them every week! She has another one this week in AF. Then next week, I think she has a small meet, and then State is at the end of the month. They last all day, into the evening, and then the next few days. Kyra is in lessons now. I spend a LOT of time at the pool. I should be really tan! I'm not, but I should be! lol
We have a new puppy. Molly.Well, she is not new anymore. We got her almost two months ago. We rescued her from C.A.R.E . She was very neglected, and Jess fell in love with her almost immediately. The rest of us fell shortly after. She's a cutie. Some sort of Terrier/Collie mix, we think. She is clumsy as normal puppies are, but recently her clumsiness took a turn.
A few weeks ago, she was running in the back yard, and the dog next door scared her and she took off. Well, she tripped over her own feet, and went down. We think her front paw was extended when she tumbled and it snapped her elbow! Lu was watching her from the patio. Molly went down. She tried to get up, but took a few steps and went down and started howling for Lu to come and get her. Lu picked her up and brought her into me. She was going into shock and would not let Lu put her down. She would not put any weight on it. It would mean we would need to take her into the vet. We called and got her into VCA. Molly wasn't moving. Anytime we tried to move her, she whined. She was definitely in shock now. The vet said she had a temp, and her gums were very pale. The vet examined her and and said that she thought the elbow was broken, so they would need to do xrays. We had to leave her there so that the pain meds they gave her could kick in and they could do the xrays. We left her and waited for them to call. I was a MESS! Molly and I had bonded really quickly! She was my baby! We drove around for awhile and then ended up right back at the vet. We just sat there and waited. They finally brought her out to us. It was definitely broken! In fact, the break was so bad, it would need surgery. Pins and bolts to repair it.The cost of that was going to be about $4000. Sheeah. Right! We were screwed.
We checked into some other places, and options. We finally took her to Healing Hearts Hospital, because they worked with rescue groups, and was willing to work with us. Long story shorter... she went into surgery like a week later. They had doped her up on pain pills and tranqs to keep her immobile until the surgery.. but Molly is a super dog and wasn't having any of the lying down crap! She was EVERYWHERE! They then gave her MORE pills to try to keep her down. Nope.
Anyway.. the ortho doc said that it would be better to amputate. If they tried to repair it, it may or may not work, and she would always have pain, and may need more surgeries later. Also, arthritis would set in early. She would never have full function of the limb again.
We decided to amputate because I didn't want to see her in pain anymore. We thought and thought about this, and it was the right thing to do.
So when it was time for the surgery. I cried like a baby, dropping her off. We got a call saying that the doc decided, once he saw Molly, that he was just going to try to fix the leg. He had pins in it, everything, but nothing was holding~ So they ended up having to take it off.
She recovered great, and is almost healed! She never let this stop her, and reaffirmed our decision. I swear she runs just as fast as she did before the surgery.
So.. see? we have been extra busy. All this Molly stuff came right after my father died. That's another story, and will have to wait for another time. That in itself drains me to even think about.
Anyway.... I have to go let Molly out. She wants to run in the yard, and of course, in the irrigation ditch~ Errghhh!
I also have to pee. Then off to the orthodontist with Kyra. Fun stuff!
Hasta la Pasta
I like staying home, but it's tough. Lu is our major income. I am still doing my side business, but it's not really getting us very far. I guess I have kind of given up on it, and so I just occasionally have appointments. My back problems are pretty much standard these days, but I tend to push the envelope. I am supposed to take it easy, but when I am having a good day, I like to get things accomplished. I end up paying afterwards, and for a long time, but at least something came from it. lol The heart issues are a little different. I get so tired, so easy. So when I am out being overly productive, I pay for both the next few days. I end up just sleeping like all freaking day.
The main thing.. is the guilt I feel for being so tired, or hurting all the time. It's really not fair for the girls. It affects my life daily. I think I am going to find a part time job, when school starts up again. I need to do something. I have an echo coming up, and if it's fine, then I can try to get back into some routine.
We have been so busy. Jess' swim meets are kicking our butts. Lately it seems that she has them every week! She has another one this week in AF. Then next week, I think she has a small meet, and then State is at the end of the month. They last all day, into the evening, and then the next few days. Kyra is in lessons now. I spend a LOT of time at the pool. I should be really tan! I'm not, but I should be! lol
We have a new puppy. Molly.Well, she is not new anymore. We got her almost two months ago. We rescued her from C.A.R.E . She was very neglected, and Jess fell in love with her almost immediately. The rest of us fell shortly after. She's a cutie. Some sort of Terrier/Collie mix, we think. She is clumsy as normal puppies are, but recently her clumsiness took a turn.
A few weeks ago, she was running in the back yard, and the dog next door scared her and she took off. Well, she tripped over her own feet, and went down. We think her front paw was extended when she tumbled and it snapped her elbow! Lu was watching her from the patio. Molly went down. She tried to get up, but took a few steps and went down and started howling for Lu to come and get her. Lu picked her up and brought her into me. She was going into shock and would not let Lu put her down. She would not put any weight on it. It would mean we would need to take her into the vet. We called and got her into VCA. Molly wasn't moving. Anytime we tried to move her, she whined. She was definitely in shock now. The vet said she had a temp, and her gums were very pale. The vet examined her and and said that she thought the elbow was broken, so they would need to do xrays. We had to leave her there so that the pain meds they gave her could kick in and they could do the xrays. We left her and waited for them to call. I was a MESS! Molly and I had bonded really quickly! She was my baby! We drove around for awhile and then ended up right back at the vet. We just sat there and waited. They finally brought her out to us. It was definitely broken! In fact, the break was so bad, it would need surgery. Pins and bolts to repair it.The cost of that was going to be about $4000. Sheeah. Right! We were screwed.
We checked into some other places, and options. We finally took her to Healing Hearts Hospital, because they worked with rescue groups, and was willing to work with us. Long story shorter... she went into surgery like a week later. They had doped her up on pain pills and tranqs to keep her immobile until the surgery.. but Molly is a super dog and wasn't having any of the lying down crap! She was EVERYWHERE! They then gave her MORE pills to try to keep her down. Nope.
Anyway.. the ortho doc said that it would be better to amputate. If they tried to repair it, it may or may not work, and she would always have pain, and may need more surgeries later. Also, arthritis would set in early. She would never have full function of the limb again.
We decided to amputate because I didn't want to see her in pain anymore. We thought and thought about this, and it was the right thing to do.
So when it was time for the surgery. I cried like a baby, dropping her off. We got a call saying that the doc decided, once he saw Molly, that he was just going to try to fix the leg. He had pins in it, everything, but nothing was holding~ So they ended up having to take it off.
She recovered great, and is almost healed! She never let this stop her, and reaffirmed our decision. I swear she runs just as fast as she did before the surgery.
So.. see? we have been extra busy. All this Molly stuff came right after my father died. That's another story, and will have to wait for another time. That in itself drains me to even think about.
Anyway.... I have to go let Molly out. She wants to run in the yard, and of course, in the irrigation ditch~ Errghhh!
I also have to pee. Then off to the orthodontist with Kyra. Fun stuff!
Hasta la Pasta
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Mid life? Really...?
Ok... so I am 35 today. *sigh* I know alot of people will say "35 is young still...?" (see the question at the end of that? I feel like I am really mid-life now... for real! I guess that can be a good thing, though, right? I will stop complaining. well almost~
I had a pretty good weekend. Friday night was tough, but Saturday started out better. We went to Jess' swim meet at Skyline. She did ok. Sometimes I feel as though she is starting to lose her passion for it. When I first met her, she was SOOO gun ho! She would rock an event, and then look at me and say," Did you see how well I did? That was for YOU!!" It was cute. Now she gets kind of bored with it. Maybe not... who really knows but her. I hope she works up some enthusiam for Austria~ that's a lot of time and money to get her there. I really think she is STILL PMS'ing it. LOL She would kill me if she knew I was talking about this, but I think her hormones are all out of whack. She's eleven, and getting ready to start anyday. PLEASE be any day!! lol All the women in this house, sheesh! All on the same cycle soon? Oh my, someone help us! lol Anyway, she is so emotional. Today was really up and down. We explained to her that soon she will understand, after the fact. lol
Anyway.. got off track. So after her swim meet, we had to rush her to a b-day party, and then after that we had a b-day party for me and Lu at her step-moms house. I got gardening stuff. lol It's pretty ironic, seems how I keep killing the starter plants she gives me. lol
I also got some other stuff. Then her step-mom watched the girls and I suprised Lu with a night at a hotel with a hot tub next to the bed. It was awesome. We woke up had breakfast, and then went and got the girls. Had sushi for lunch/dinner and then played guitar hero.
My sister called (Sort of) and my mom. Amanda text me, and so did Shannon and Rosi. I think that was it. Yeah... hmmm... I guess I didn't notice until tonight that those are the only people that wished me a happy birthday! Rude. Wait.. Bridg sent me a myspace message and Doni did too. Dani sent me a face book message. But you know... the people that I thought that i was closer to... nothing. The sad part is... i really didn't care. I mean, I was a little suprised abouta couple of people that i didn't hear from, but I was happy being with my family. I have changed so much since the last few birthdays. I didn't want to go out and drink, or party with friends like I used to. I was perfectly hapy and content with being with my family. I guess I really AM middle -age! lol Getting old.
All in all, it was a good day, and weekend. I'm a little sad about the puppies, but in the end, I think it will work out.
I am going to crash now. I am super tired and lately it seems that's all I am. I think the inversion has totally messed with my oxygen levels. I have never really paid attention to the warnings, but with this heart issue, I guess i better start, huh? Its totally kicking my butt, and making me just want to sleep... I am hopefully going to be going part time at work soon, so I can get more rest, and take care of myself. I think I'm stretching myself a little thin at times. Lu, moreso than me... but I think my body makes me feel it more. She is so good to me. I know that if it weren't for the money we owe, she would have me stay home and take care of the girls...someday....
Ok, so I am totally rambling, and there's no creative out for me tonight. I'll let it slide and hopefully sleep well enough to try again tomorrow.
Thanks to those who did wish me well today.
Night~
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Awareness is not just that...
I have been thinking alot about awareness and advocacy latey. I wonder why I am so passionate about these two words, and yet just sit her and listen to other people's stories.
I am really wanting to start volunteering in Transgender awareness. I have always had such an appetite for Anthropolgy and studying people. I have wanted to go back to school for that, and Gender Studies. I want to combine my love of film with these subjects. Ever since my sister's friend became "Nick" in high school.
I remember seeing him after not seeing him for quite some time. We were in The Olive Garden, and my sister was talking to him, and I just kind of sat there and studied him. I don't remember if I was 15 or 16, or how old, but after we left I argued with my sister about his identity and gender. I was absolutely sure that he was still she, and had no concept of what he was doing, or had been through. I grew up in such an environment that you would think that I would have been aware of so many differences in people, but in that one moment I was so naive.. and still straight. I knew gay people, as my sister had come out in high school. All of her friends were like my older sisters. They all treated me as their kid sister. Who knew that later on, I would come out~ lol
So many years passed, and I had come out. I had met many people, but still wasn't sure why "he" called "him"self a "she", not did I know all the differences in the terminolgy. What was a Transexual? A Transvestite? A Drag Queen? Gender Queer? Transgendered? And what the hell was the difference? I wasn't closed minded to learning, just still confused, and uneducated about the difference. I hated not knowing. I have always been a seeker. I wanted to know. I looked at alot of information online, but that didn't help me in deciphering who was who in the community. I then met a few drag queens, and later a few transgendered people. Lauren was dating a friend of mine, and was so young in her transition. She was young in general. She was always asking how she looked in her clothes, and how her hair was. She was so insecure and unsure about herself. She intrigued me, though. I learned alot more online and had interesting discussions with Lauren. I didn't know her that well, but found myself sticking up for her with people that I knew, and didn't know.
I didn't understand the hatred she encountered, and couldn't figure out how people in the gay community could discriminate against her. I mean, hello people! What are we thinking??? Here we are fighting for our rights and yet denying other people theirs?? WTF?
My sister then told me about another really close friend of hers that we hung out with in high school. He transitioned. By this time, I understood it. He is really distant from alot of the people from back then. He didn't really want to talk to anyone from back in the old days, and I was like.. but it's ME!! He has to let ME in! We once ran down the street chasing these girls in a car that were throwing hatred out at my lesbian sister and her friends! lol
I understood, though. His life is different. He has moved to a different place to start his life as who he was meant to be all along. He looks great, and I wish all the best for him.
I have changed so much since that time. I still study people like crazy. I love to get to know people. To hear their take on life. Their theories, there families, their struggles. I think one of my greatest goals is to just understand people. I think that if more people tried harder to understand others, that our world would be at a very different place.
I maybe put my passion for advocacy on the back burner for awhile. Life does that to you. You get busy with your family, and time just escapes. But...
I watched the new Real World episode the other day. There is a cute Transgendered girl on the show. Her name is Katelynn. She's young. My heart went right out to her. Here she is, living her new life, post-op, for the world to see, and she is already dealing with people that make me want to go through the screen and slap the crap out of them! lol Really... and this is ALOT of the world. Uneducated, and therefore making her feel like an outcast that doesn't have the right to be there. She has such courage to be out there, just trying to be who she is!
I think I will get with my friend Dom, and see if she has anything that I can get involved in. She started the Transgender Awareness Month here, and is an activist. She's awesome. I just don't see her very often.
Anyway.. I am really tired, and babbling, and really need to go to sleep.
Night~
I am really wanting to start volunteering in Transgender awareness. I have always had such an appetite for Anthropolgy and studying people. I have wanted to go back to school for that, and Gender Studies. I want to combine my love of film with these subjects. Ever since my sister's friend became "Nick" in high school.
I remember seeing him after not seeing him for quite some time. We were in The Olive Garden, and my sister was talking to him, and I just kind of sat there and studied him. I don't remember if I was 15 or 16, or how old, but after we left I argued with my sister about his identity and gender. I was absolutely sure that he was still she, and had no concept of what he was doing, or had been through. I grew up in such an environment that you would think that I would have been aware of so many differences in people, but in that one moment I was so naive.. and still straight. I knew gay people, as my sister had come out in high school. All of her friends were like my older sisters. They all treated me as their kid sister. Who knew that later on, I would come out~ lol
So many years passed, and I had come out. I had met many people, but still wasn't sure why "he" called "him"self a "she", not did I know all the differences in the terminolgy. What was a Transexual? A Transvestite? A Drag Queen? Gender Queer? Transgendered? And what the hell was the difference? I wasn't closed minded to learning, just still confused, and uneducated about the difference. I hated not knowing. I have always been a seeker. I wanted to know. I looked at alot of information online, but that didn't help me in deciphering who was who in the community. I then met a few drag queens, and later a few transgendered people. Lauren was dating a friend of mine, and was so young in her transition. She was young in general. She was always asking how she looked in her clothes, and how her hair was. She was so insecure and unsure about herself. She intrigued me, though. I learned alot more online and had interesting discussions with Lauren. I didn't know her that well, but found myself sticking up for her with people that I knew, and didn't know.
I didn't understand the hatred she encountered, and couldn't figure out how people in the gay community could discriminate against her. I mean, hello people! What are we thinking??? Here we are fighting for our rights and yet denying other people theirs?? WTF?
My sister then told me about another really close friend of hers that we hung out with in high school. He transitioned. By this time, I understood it. He is really distant from alot of the people from back then. He didn't really want to talk to anyone from back in the old days, and I was like.. but it's ME!! He has to let ME in! We once ran down the street chasing these girls in a car that were throwing hatred out at my lesbian sister and her friends! lol
I understood, though. His life is different. He has moved to a different place to start his life as who he was meant to be all along. He looks great, and I wish all the best for him.
I have changed so much since that time. I still study people like crazy. I love to get to know people. To hear their take on life. Their theories, there families, their struggles. I think one of my greatest goals is to just understand people. I think that if more people tried harder to understand others, that our world would be at a very different place.
I maybe put my passion for advocacy on the back burner for awhile. Life does that to you. You get busy with your family, and time just escapes. But...
I watched the new Real World episode the other day. There is a cute Transgendered girl on the show. Her name is Katelynn. She's young. My heart went right out to her. Here she is, living her new life, post-op, for the world to see, and she is already dealing with people that make me want to go through the screen and slap the crap out of them! lol Really... and this is ALOT of the world. Uneducated, and therefore making her feel like an outcast that doesn't have the right to be there. She has such courage to be out there, just trying to be who she is!
I think I will get with my friend Dom, and see if she has anything that I can get involved in. She started the Transgender Awareness Month here, and is an activist. She's awesome. I just don't see her very often.
Anyway.. I am really tired, and babbling, and really need to go to sleep.
Night~
Another weekend gone...
I'm sitting here watching Jess and Lu play Guitar Hero. It's Sunday night at 10:47pm. I really should be asleep. I hate to go to sleep on Sunday nights. Especially the weekends we have had the girls. It seems like all we do is run all weekend, if we have swim meets... or we have other activities going on all weekend. It just goes by so fast! I hate having to take Kyra back to her dad's house. She seems sad to have to go back. I keep telling myself that it won't be like this for very much longer. She will be here all the time, and then coming back to us on Sunday nights. That will be so nice. Custody battles are so freaking tough! I hope that Berto really follows through with his promise, and agrees to change the custody agreement. I really, really don't want to go through a long, drawn out battle with him. It's so freaking expensive, and just hurts all parties involved. I just can't wait until we are complete as a family and we have both our girls with us more.
We relaxed most of the weekend. Jess had a swim party until 11pm on Friday night, and Kyra came in the the next morning at 6am. Lu's mom came over for breakfast, and to help Jess with her letter for fundraising. She is going to train with Olympic Gold medalists and compete in the Friendship Games in Austria. She goes in July. This means we have 5 months to raise over 5000.00. Ughh. LOL So after that, we got our hair cuts done, and then played Guitar Hero Rockband til late. Then we woke up this morning and I made breakfast, and then we.... what did we do? lol I can't remember. I know we played Pictureka, and then I made wings and stuff for lunch. Well... dinner, I guess by the time it was done.
I still have to hang my pictures and my lettering that Lu and the girls got me for xmas. I am always complaining that I have nothing to decorate my walls with. So now, I just have to get the pics printed and put in the frames and hung. Maybe by next weekend~ lol
Ok, well I am sitting here, still, watching them play Guitar Here. It's now 11:02. I really need to go to bed. We all do. The puppies are being crazy, and attacking each other. Loki is going into heat. Ugghh. She is sooo tempermental. Too many women in this house to add another PMS'er. Maybe we should get her spayed. I heard this will calm her down. She is so beautiful, though, that we may want puppies down the line.
Ok... enough. Just one more thing. I love my girls. I miss my family time when it's gone. I have never been in this place before. It's so nice to just ... "be" with them, and enjoy our day to day living. I think it only gets better, and I am so thankful for that.... night.
We relaxed most of the weekend. Jess had a swim party until 11pm on Friday night, and Kyra came in the the next morning at 6am. Lu's mom came over for breakfast, and to help Jess with her letter for fundraising. She is going to train with Olympic Gold medalists and compete in the Friendship Games in Austria. She goes in July. This means we have 5 months to raise over 5000.00. Ughh. LOL So after that, we got our hair cuts done, and then played Guitar Hero Rockband til late. Then we woke up this morning and I made breakfast, and then we.... what did we do? lol I can't remember. I know we played Pictureka, and then I made wings and stuff for lunch. Well... dinner, I guess by the time it was done.
I still have to hang my pictures and my lettering that Lu and the girls got me for xmas. I am always complaining that I have nothing to decorate my walls with. So now, I just have to get the pics printed and put in the frames and hung. Maybe by next weekend~ lol
Ok, well I am sitting here, still, watching them play Guitar Here. It's now 11:02. I really need to go to bed. We all do. The puppies are being crazy, and attacking each other. Loki is going into heat. Ugghh. She is sooo tempermental. Too many women in this house to add another PMS'er. Maybe we should get her spayed. I heard this will calm her down. She is so beautiful, though, that we may want puppies down the line.
Ok... enough. Just one more thing. I love my girls. I miss my family time when it's gone. I have never been in this place before. It's so nice to just ... "be" with them, and enjoy our day to day living. I think it only gets better, and I am so thankful for that.... night.
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