Wow.. long time, no posts!

Soy... yeah.. been awhile. Wait.. hold that thought. Need to refill my coffee. Where IS my coffee? Hmmm. Ok found it. A lot has changed since I have been here. I am a stay-at-home mom now (so to speak). I was having a lot of problems with the meds they put me on to control some health stuff going on. They were making me so tired, that I was not functioning very well. I started missing some days, and then when I WAS there, I was not very productive. They didn't have a part time position, so I ended up quitting.
I like staying home, but it's tough. Lu is our major income. I am still doing my side business, but it's not really getting us very far. I guess I have kind of given up on it, and so I just occasionally have appointments. My back problems are pretty much standard these days, but I tend to push the envelope. I am supposed to take it easy, but when I am having a good day, I like to get things accomplished. I end up paying afterwards, and for a long time, but at least something came from it. lol The heart issues are a little different. I get so tired, so easy. So when I am out being overly productive, I pay for both the next few days. I end up just sleeping like all freaking day.
The main thing.. is the guilt I feel for being so tired, or hurting all the time. It's really not fair for the girls. It affects my life daily. I think I am going to find a part time job, when school starts up again. I need to do something. I have an echo coming up, and if it's fine, then I can try to get back into some routine.

We have been so busy. Jess' swim meets are kicking our butts. Lately it seems that she has them every week! She has another one this week in AF. Then next week, I think she has a small meet, and then State is at the end of the month. They last all day, into the evening, and then the next few days. Kyra is in lessons now. I spend a LOT of time at the pool. I should be really tan! I'm not, but I should be! lol

We have a new puppy. Molly.Well, she is not new anymore. We got her almost two months ago. We rescued her from C.A.R.E . She was very neglected, and Jess fell in love with her almost immediately. The rest of us fell shortly after. She's a cutie. Some sort of Terrier/Collie mix, we think. She is clumsy as normal puppies are, but recently her clumsiness took a turn.
A few weeks ago, she was running in the back yard, and the dog next door scared her and she took off. Well, she tripped over her own feet, and went down. We think her front paw was extended when she tumbled and it snapped her elbow! Lu was watching her from the patio. Molly went down. She tried to get up, but took a few steps and went down and started howling for Lu to come and get her. Lu picked her up and brought her into me. She was going into shock and would not let Lu put her down. She would not put any weight on it. It would mean we would need to take her into the vet. We called and got her into VCA. Molly wasn't moving. Anytime we tried to move her, she whined. She was definitely in shock now. The vet said she had a temp, and her gums were very pale. The vet examined her and and said that she thought the elbow was broken, so they would need to do xrays. We had to leave her there so that the pain meds they gave her could kick in and they could do the xrays. We left her and waited for them to call. I was a MESS! Molly and I had bonded really quickly! She was my baby! We drove around for awhile and then ended up right back at the vet. We just sat there and waited. They finally brought her out to us. It was definitely broken! In fact, the break was so bad, it would need surgery. Pins and bolts to repair it.The cost of that was going to be about $4000. Sheeah. Right! We were screwed.
We checked into some other places, and options. We finally took her to Healing Hearts Hospital, because they worked with rescue groups, and was willing to work with us. Long story shorter... she went into surgery like a week later. They had doped her up on pain pills and tranqs to keep her immobile until the surgery.. but Molly is a super dog and wasn't having any of the lying down crap! She was EVERYWHERE! They then gave her MORE pills to try to keep her down. Nope.

Anyway.. the ortho doc said that it would be better to amputate. If they tried to repair it, it may or may not work, and she would always have pain, and may need more surgeries later. Also, arthritis would set in early. She would never have full function of the limb again.
We decided to amputate because I didn't want to see her in pain anymore. We thought and thought about this, and it was the right thing to do.
So when it was time for the surgery. I cried like a baby, dropping her off. We got a call saying that the doc decided, once he saw Molly, that he was just going to try to fix the leg. He had pins in it, everything, but nothing was holding~ So they ended up having to take it off.

She recovered great, and is almost healed! She never let this stop her, and reaffirmed our decision. I swear she runs just as fast as she did before the surgery.

So.. see? we have been extra busy. All this Molly stuff came right after my father died. That's another story, and will have to wait for another time. That in itself drains me to even think about.
Anyway.... I have to go let Molly out. She wants to run in the yard, and of course, in the irrigation ditch~ Errghhh!
I also have to pee. Then off to the orthodontist with Kyra. Fun stuff!

Hasta la Pasta

Mid life? Really...?

Ok... so I am 35 today. *sigh* I know alot of people will say "35 is young still...?" (see the question at the end of that? I feel like I am really mid-life now... for real! I guess that can be a good thing, though, right? I will stop complaining. well almost~

I had a pretty good weekend. Friday night was tough, but Saturday started out better. We went to Jess' swim meet at Skyline. She did ok. Sometimes I feel as though she is starting to lose her passion for it. When I first met her, she was SOOO gun ho! She would rock an event, and then look at me and say," Did you see how well I did? That was for YOU!!" It was cute. Now she gets kind of bored with it. Maybe not... who really knows but her. I hope she works up some enthusiam for Austria~ that's a lot of time and money to get her there. I really think she is STILL PMS'ing it. LOL She would kill me if she knew I was talking about this, but I think her hormones are all out of whack. She's eleven, and getting ready to start anyday. PLEASE be any day!! lol All the women in this house, sheesh! All on the same cycle soon? Oh my, someone help us! lol Anyway, she is so emotional. Today was really up and down. We explained to her that soon she will understand, after the fact. lol

Anyway.. got off track. So after her swim meet, we had to rush her to a b-day party, and then after that we had a b-day party for me and Lu at her step-moms house. I got gardening stuff. lol It's pretty ironic, seems how I keep killing the starter plants she gives me. lol

I also got some other stuff. Then her step-mom watched the girls and I suprised Lu with a night at a hotel with a hot tub next to the bed. It was awesome. We woke up had breakfast, and then went and got the girls. Had sushi for lunch/dinner and then played guitar hero.

My sister called (Sort of) and my mom. Amanda text me, and so did Shannon and Rosi. I think that was it. Yeah... hmmm... I guess I didn't notice until tonight that those are the only people that wished me a happy birthday! Rude. Wait.. Bridg sent me a myspace message and Doni did too. Dani sent me a face book message. But you know... the people that I thought that i was closer to... nothing. The sad part is... i really didn't care. I mean, I was a little suprised abouta couple of people that i didn't hear from, but I was happy being with my family. I have changed so much since the last few birthdays. I didn't want to go out and drink, or party with friends like I used to. I was perfectly hapy and content with being with my family. I guess I really AM middle -age! lol Getting old.

All in all, it was a good day, and weekend. I'm a little sad about the puppies, but in the end, I think it will work out.

I am going to crash now. I am super tired and lately it seems that's all I am. I think the inversion has totally messed with my oxygen levels. I have never really paid attention to the warnings, but with this heart issue, I guess i better start, huh? Its totally kicking my butt, and making me just want to sleep... I am hopefully going to be going part time at work soon, so I can get more rest, and take care of myself. I think I'm stretching myself a little thin at times. Lu, moreso than me... but I think my body makes me feel it more. She is so good to me. I know that if it weren't for the money we owe, she would have me stay home and take care of the girls...someday....

Ok, so I am totally rambling, and there's no creative out for me tonight. I'll let it slide and hopefully sleep well enough to try again tomorrow.

Thanks to those who did wish me well today.

Night~

Awareness is not just that...

I have been thinking alot about awareness and advocacy latey. I wonder why I am so passionate about these two words, and yet just sit her and listen to other people's stories.

I am really wanting to start volunteering in Transgender awareness. I have always had such an appetite for Anthropolgy and studying people. I have wanted to go back to school for that, and Gender Studies. I want to combine my love of film with these subjects. Ever since my sister's friend became "Nick" in high school.

I remember seeing him after not seeing him for quite some time. We were in The Olive Garden, and my sister was talking to him, and I just kind of sat there and studied him. I don't remember if I was 15 or 16, or how old, but after we left I argued with my sister about his identity and gender. I was absolutely sure that he was still she, and had no concept of what he was doing, or had been through. I grew up in such an environment that you would think that I would have been aware of so many differences in people, but in that one moment I was so naive.. and still straight. I knew gay people, as my sister had come out in high school. All of her friends were like my older sisters. They all treated me as their kid sister. Who knew that later on, I would come out~ lol

So many years passed, and I had come out. I had met many people, but still wasn't sure why "he" called "him"self a "she", not did I know all the differences in the terminolgy. What was a Transexual? A Transvestite? A Drag Queen? Gender Queer? Transgendered? And what the hell was the difference? I wasn't closed minded to learning, just still confused, and uneducated about the difference. I hated not knowing. I have always been a seeker. I wanted to know. I looked at alot of information online, but that didn't help me in deciphering who was who in the community. I then met a few drag queens, and later a few transgendered people. Lauren was dating a friend of mine, and was so young in her transition. She was young in general. She was always asking how she looked in her clothes, and how her hair was. She was so insecure and unsure about herself. She intrigued me, though. I learned alot more online and had interesting discussions with Lauren. I didn't know her that well, but found myself sticking up for her with people that I knew, and didn't know.
I didn't understand the hatred she encountered, and couldn't figure out how people in the gay community could discriminate against her. I mean, hello people! What are we thinking??? Here we are fighting for our rights and yet denying other people theirs?? WTF?
My sister then told me about another really close friend of hers that we hung out with in high school. He transitioned. By this time, I understood it. He is really distant from alot of the people from back then. He didn't really want to talk to anyone from back in the old days, and I was like.. but it's ME!! He has to let ME in! We once ran down the street chasing these girls in a car that were throwing hatred out at my lesbian sister and her friends! lol
I understood, though. His life is different. He has moved to a different place to start his life as who he was meant to be all along. He looks great, and I wish all the best for him.

I have changed so much since that time. I still study people like crazy. I love to get to know people. To hear their take on life. Their theories, there families, their struggles. I think one of my greatest goals is to just understand people. I think that if more people tried harder to understand others, that our world would be at a very different place.

I maybe put my passion for advocacy on the back burner for awhile. Life does that to you. You get busy with your family, and time just escapes. But...
I watched the new Real World episode the other day. There is a cute Transgendered girl on the show. Her name is Katelynn. She's young. My heart went right out to her. Here she is, living her new life, post-op, for the world to see, and she is already dealing with people that make me want to go through the screen and slap the crap out of them! lol Really... and this is ALOT of the world. Uneducated, and therefore making her feel like an outcast that doesn't have the right to be there. She has such courage to be out there, just trying to be who she is!

I think I will get with my friend Dom, and see if she has anything that I can get involved in. She started the Transgender Awareness Month here, and is an activist. She's awesome. I just don't see her very often.

Anyway.. I am really tired, and babbling, and really need to go to sleep.
Night~

Another weekend gone...

I'm sitting here watching Jess and Lu play Guitar Hero. It's Sunday night at 10:47pm. I really should be asleep. I hate to go to sleep on Sunday nights. Especially the weekends we have had the girls. It seems like all we do is run all weekend, if we have swim meets... or we have other activities going on all weekend. It just goes by so fast! I hate having to take Kyra back to her dad's house. She seems sad to have to go back. I keep telling myself that it won't be like this for very much longer. She will be here all the time, and then coming back to us on Sunday nights. That will be so nice. Custody battles are so freaking tough! I hope that Berto really follows through with his promise, and agrees to change the custody agreement. I really, really don't want to go through a long, drawn out battle with him. It's so freaking expensive, and just hurts all parties involved. I just can't wait until we are complete as a family and we have both our girls with us more.

We relaxed most of the weekend. Jess had a swim party until 11pm on Friday night, and Kyra came in the the next morning at 6am. Lu's mom came over for breakfast, and to help Jess with her letter for fundraising. She is going to train with Olympic Gold medalists and compete in the Friendship Games in Austria. She goes in July. This means we have 5 months to raise over 5000.00. Ughh. LOL So after that, we got our hair cuts done, and then played Guitar Hero Rockband til late. Then we woke up this morning and I made breakfast, and then we.... what did we do? lol I can't remember. I know we played Pictureka, and then I made wings and stuff for lunch. Well... dinner, I guess by the time it was done.

I still have to hang my pictures and my lettering that Lu and the girls got me for xmas. I am always complaining that I have nothing to decorate my walls with. So now, I just have to get the pics printed and put in the frames and hung. Maybe by next weekend~ lol

Ok, well I am sitting here, still, watching them play Guitar Here. It's now 11:02. I really need to go to bed. We all do. The puppies are being crazy, and attacking each other. Loki is going into heat. Ugghh. She is sooo tempermental. Too many women in this house to add another PMS'er. Maybe we should get her spayed. I heard this will calm her down. She is so beautiful, though, that we may want puppies down the line.

Ok... enough. Just one more thing. I love my girls. I miss my family time when it's gone. I have never been in this place before. It's so nice to just ... "be" with them, and enjoy our day to day living. I think it only gets better, and I am so thankful for that.... night.