Then I think.. oh.. I feel most like blogging at night, while the others sleep, but then it would wake Lu. lol
Anyway. I am here now, trying to catch up. I am really going to try to make it a daily thing. Not a New Year's Resolution, per se.. Just more of an effort.
I have been thinking back over this year. Man, what a crazy time. I had this new hope for the new year. I thought that I would be so happy for the year to be over. I had such loss this past year. I guess I thought that it would magically disappear. Happy times to be had. Woohoo! lol Uh.. what I realized this past week, is it's just another day that passes. Things don't change just because the year has. I have to be the one to change them. I am trying, though, to get past this past year.
I keep telling myself that the decisions I have made are better. Lu tells me they are. I have disconnected from family, friends, and more negatives in my life. It was hard. I wait for it to be easier. Living without things that have been present for so many decades. They have been replaced, somewhat.. in different ways. Some good, some bad.
The one thing I have noticed about this last year, is how tired I have become. I only wish I knew if it was because of the physical health challenges I have been facing, or the release of the past that is now catching up with me and just wearing me out. Either way, I am beat. I feel guilty that I am so tired. I hate it. I really wanted to take advantage of the time that I gained from not working outside of the house. I am finding though, that I am getting less done now, than before. I am still not sure if it's because of my health, or laziness.. maybe both.I am yawning as I type this. LOL Oh my...
I want to share some of the loss I have had this past year. One of the most significant was my father. I didn't know him. I mean.. I knew him as a different person, I guess. That's what my mother says. She says that I never got to know the father that she knew before I was born. He was apparently a different person. I have to believe that is true. I have to believe that the life he led before I was born, led him to where he ended up. Where we all ended up.
There is a song by Pink that reminds me of my dad. It's called " I have seen the rain". It was written by her father, and she sings it with him on her "I'm not dead" cd. The lyrics are posted below. This song has a strong place in my heart, as I have to think that my dad would have been a different person, had he not been in Vietnam. I think that's the time my mom spoke of. I really don't know, but I hope. I hope that he had a chance to be happy.. I have only seen him truly happy once in my life, and it was short-lived. I love him, there is no doubt of that in my head. I am just sorry I never got the chance to meet the man he was before whatever hit him, happened. I want to post more about him, but I need a break. It's very hard. When I come back, I will post a note on FaceBook that I posted after he died. It's pretty long, and very...um... sad, I guess."
Anway.. I am back to basics with writing.. and look forward to the release that it brings.
Here are the lyrics to the song that remains with me everytime I think of my father. Love you dad.
Pink" I have seen the Rain"
"I have seen the rain I have felt the pain I don't know where I'll be tomorrow I don't know where I'm going I don't even know where I've been But I know I'd like to see them again Spend my days just searching Spend my nights in dreams Stop looking over my shoulder, baby, I stopped wondering what it means. Drop out, burn out, soldier whore Oh they said I should've been more Probably so if I hadn't been in that crazy damn Vietnam war I have seen the rain I survived the pain Oh I've been home 30 years or so And I'm just stepping off of the plane Spend my days in searching Spend my nights in dreams Stop looking over my shoulder, baby, I stopped wondering what it means. Drop out, burn out, soldier whore Oh they said I should've been more Probably so if I hadn't been in that crazy damn Vietnam war We have seen the rain together We survived the pain forever Oh it's good to be home again It's good to be with my friends Oh it's good to be home again It's good to feel the rain"
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